It’s so easy for a child to trick her/himself into believing something and holding on to it for dear life. This is exactly what I did. I decided that I was stupid.
I made this decision based on how badly I was doing in my 5th year of primary/elementary school. Everything was lovely when I first started, though. I skated through the first 4 years. School was so easy I could have glided through them with skates on. Then something happened in that fateful 5th year. It’s like someone turned out all the lights and said, “you don’t need them anymore, kid. Figure it out!”
I was under so much pressure to perform. It was a pity too, because in year 4, my English teacher who also substituted as the Art teacher helped me discover that I had a real talent in drawing and painting.
I truly enjoyed those art lessons. It was an ego booster that I could draw better than everyone in the class. Come to think of it, the entire first years of school were just ego fluffers for me. I got good grades, I discovered my talent in art, on top of my mother discovery that I was good at playing the piano, those days were good. I was riding high on all these accomplishments. I was a confident and happy child.
Year 5 of school stripped all that away for me. As that year rolled by, I declined further and further in my school work, I grew more frustrated with myself, and so did my parents, and by the time I got into my 6th year of primary school, I was doing quite terribly. Not only with school, but with life in general. I believed I was a total failure.
As an adult looking back, I realize that I fed so much into such damaging, self-abusive voices in my head as a child that it would end up affecting me well into my adult years. I will be the first to admit that I am a very sensitive being. I feel the energy of others and myself very intensely, and as a child, I simply did not know how to process those feelings but act out, be incredibly moody all the time, (don’t get me started on my teenage years) and carry all that bad history like a mantelpiece that stayed in the most prominent place in my mind: my thoughts.
But I am not a child anymore. I am an adult.
Your history is probably nothing like mine. You probably did not live in your head as much as I did growing up. But I use my story to illustrate the fact that too many of us are walking around with decades of self-deprecating beliefs. Many of us are in our 30’s still holding on to the cruel words that someone said to us in our childhood. Our minds are very good at having us remember our very worst experiences. We end up recalling them right down to what day it was, exactly where we were and who was there with us, if anybody.
There’s a truth here that I would appeal for you to try to understand: we are holding on to a lot of junk that no longer serves us, that is still screwing with our beliefs about ourselves and what we are capable of, that we live our adult lives scared to death of moving. We refuse to take any risks, we refuse to challenge ourselves and we refuse to think beyond what has been indoctrinated in us from the generations before us.
We have committed the worst kind of disloyalty: self-betrayal. We hold the insecurities we did when we were uncertain, pre-pubescent children.
I think the reason why many of us are so conflicted and feel so rotten about ourselves is because a long time ago, we simply stopped supporting who we truly are. We stopped showing up in our lives, taking responsibility and being honest and courageous with ourselves to be FINE with who we are! We are constantly seeking validity from everybody else but us. No wonder when some motivational somebody (that would be me) talks about “creating your ultimate self.” The first thing we do is mock the idea.
Is there something wrong with the idea that you can live your fullest life or reach your highest purpose? Is it so unrealistic? Is the idea loathsome to you? Or is it because it is so easy to scoff at your own possibilities? Is it much easier because so many of us are in the same popular boat of mediocrity, living in the past that carries so much shame and guilt that it has made us bitter, belligerent and, deep down inside, filled with regret about who we could have been?
I’m asking the tough questions. I don’t like fluff. These words come from my heart and I hope they reach yours.
Know this: We are all creators.
We created the reality in which we live based on thought patterns and beliefs we have been carrying since childhood. If we want to our lives to change drastically, we will have to do three things while actively re-creating our lives:-
- TOTALLY own the current circumstances of our lives in their entirety
- Consciously discover old memories, thoughts and triggers that are of absolutely no use to us anymore.
- Be brave enough to show up to ourselves and stop betraying who we really are, even, actually especially when we are at our loneliest point.
You can take all the self-help and get rich courses in the world but if you have not sorted out what has been going on inside you for the longest time, then all of what you have gained will amount to nothing.
I encourage you to dedicate as much time on your internal growth and healing as you do chasing the currency. They go hand in hand. That little kid inside of you isn’t going anywhere.
Question: What stories of past adversities and triumphs would you like to share? Do comment below. I would love to read your story.