I have always had an aggressive streak. I’ve had temper problems and been rude… you name it, I’ve been it. I haven’t always been a nice person. During the height of my “issues” back in 2008 and 2009, my father described me as “constantly argumentative.” I have mellowed out over the years of course, and gained a lot of wisdom on this trait that I have. I always thought it was a curse of sorts because I would only use it to hurt others.
If you read my blog posts, you will always notice how much I admire my mother. She is brilliant at being very strategic, especially when dealing with acquaintances. She found a way to master social intelligence in a way that only certain books explain it. It comes naturally to her, and for someone like me, for whom this trait requires decades of understanding, I have accepted this about myself.
But because I already have this particular trait of defiance, I have chosen to use it as a brilliant ally in my life.
You see, I may have come out of a depression a few years back, but I am still prone to it. I still have very strong thoughts in my head that “encourage” me to stop doing what I am doing for various reasons, like “you are a complete fraud, and all you are doing is embarrassing yourself.”
Yes, that strong.
This is probably why I worked so hard and remained so consistent this year. I had to openly defy my inner demon.
The sad thing about depression is that it is a cultivated habit. It is an allowance to let that voice that started as a small, insignificant whisper to become so strong in your head, it becomes your voice of reason. It develops just like any other belief system, whereby all you are doing, as you allow this voice to grow, is to look for and find evidence that validates the things that the voice in your head is saying.
So mine is a very well trained enemy; a monster that I was unconsciously training. I may not have realised how much power I gave this voice, or these thoughts, but I do now.
My defiance to this voice is not negative. In fact, it is all action based. I have actively felt guilty, angry and ashamed of myself, because I thought this was a way of disciplining myself into action. Terrible strategy. All it did was help me dig myself into a deeper hole of misery.
What I have found, instead, is that the more I do things that scare me, the more this voice quiets itself. The more I write in my journal to respect what I have done so far, the less this voice has to say. The more productive I am, no matter how small it was that day, the less control this voice has in my thinking process.
But most importantly, I have found my own significance in this world by doing something that I believe is much greater than me: the need to empower others. The human journey is not easy. I do not care what status in life you are, even if you are fabulously wealthy: the human journey is not an easy one to take.
I want to use what I have to gather, develop and share tools and resources to help you understand yourself at a much deeper level, to help you see the power you truly possess, and to help you USE it not just for the good of you, but especially for others.
My open and defiant action towards the dark part of me is what has shed light on it. The defiance I have of openly talking about not only my past but what I still go through even now is what has given me the power to deactivate this voice a lot quicker than I used to. Jeez… I would give a project a go for a few months and slowly lose momentum, and eventually let it go completely. So to see how far I have come emotionally is something I am especially proud of, no matter what!
Next year will be about being even more daring and defiant, especially towards people and situations that are supposed to force me to be “reasonable” and pursue things “within my abilities”. I want to use 2015 as a testament to others that if I can do it, if I can beat something that has plagued me for years, and if I can get this far, then you most certainly can to!!!!
I wish you nothing but the very best in the year to come.